I have attempted to write several times since my last post over a week ago. They have been grizzles that I haven’t wanted to inflict on others or have rung empty and hollow. I have wondered whether I can get my flow back again.
I have been very aware of this journey through Cancer and its accompanying outer planet transits. As the Sun travels through each sign of the zodiac, I feel the qualities of each archetype come alive in my own experience. In Gemini my light was out there and I made connections with so many wonderful people: readers, fellow bloggers, friends, clients, family, peers, authorities, radicals, light workers. So many fellow travellers. Towards the end of my Gemini play I began to feel overwhelmed and it was time to re-enter the safety of my shell. I could feel my own yearnings and the desires of others. I began to feel swamped by fears and pain. I felt over-sensitive. It began to be difficult to face others. I needed a cover to shelter from all the emotions. I could feel all their pain and their need for nurture. How can I nurture? I am not enough. My own feelings of lack built a wall around me. Sensitive to the pain of my neighbours I was shell shocked, stunned and unable to move forward.
Fear of lack is all pervasive. There is never enough: money, food, love, care, understanding, light, warmth, comfort, safety. How can we survive? How can we be sustainable? How can I contribute when when my family are struggling with the same concerns. There is so little coming in and each purchase needs to be measured and prioritised.
I kept singing to myself one of my favourite childhood songs, ‘Wouldn’t it be Loverly?’
“All I want is a room somewhere,
Far away from the cold night air,
With one enormous chair
Oh wouldn’t it be loverly?”
So what to do with my shell shock? Protect, retire, become shell locked. Do I withdraw all available energy to try to protect my own sensibility? This means being unavailable for all those that I love. I become crabby, distant and sullen for a time while space and regeneration happens and energy from the core becomes available once again. To have enough energy beyond fatigue to give to those I love. How can one expand the shell to include my family? I love my family and my friends and I am failing them by walling off my love. I know the sensitive Cancer heart that feels and wishes to give safety and succour to all. How do I expand my shell to protect all life on Earth? How does one remain as love in the face of the fear and hopeless despair?
When I get back in touch with my self after being sheltered from external demands I know what I have withdrawn is my loving heart. This heart wants release and to express it’s everlasting shining joy and hope. Why do I wait for the cavalry to come when I know my power is within? What am I protecting?…my love! Am I afraid to love? To express love is to be vulnerable. What dark tale of fear is this? My power lies in my love and yet I lock it away afeared that it will be rejected. I have come in with the awesome open heart of a child yet I fear that expressing, caring and just being in love will attract so much hurt. Shame, guilt, anger, resentment, suffering and so many poisons that it is better to lock it away in a box.
There is the cautionary tale of Pandora who with Gemini curiosity opened the box and let out all the evils of the world. Is this why we return to our shell in Cancer? Maybe the truth is that she was not a bad child but another courageous heroine. She turned the lock and allowed all those evils to be released. Pandora was left with hope and that is all we need. I emerge vulnerable from my shell.
Today I feel released from my self imposed prison. I have no answers. I do not know how we will be delivered from our fears. I am afraid of rejection. I am afraid that the tribe will throw me out for my weakness and my tears. I do not know how to protect my loved ones but keeping myself separate from them will not help.
I am sure that we are all powerful beyond our comprehension. The little self that we protect is a lie. We lock away our greatness in the cage of fear. Today I trust the wisdom of the ages, love is enough! Cancer and the Moon that rules her represents the masses. What if each gloriously vulnerable human self could open up and stand in the love that they feel so much. How amazing would our species be? If each and everyone of us let the light of love shine through the crystalline containers of our tears; the Earth washed and refreshed, would light up and the dark shadows would find no place to hide.
Music: Wouldn’t It Be Loverly?
Image: I am not sure who photographed this iridescent crab but it can be found on this site, with lots of other wonderful photos.