Searching for Serenity

I have been feeling the compulsive pull of the Sun in Cancer creating a tight T-square with Uranus and Pluto. The thick tight aspect lines across the chart have reminded me of the childhood game, Cat’s Cradle. I used to love playing this, making patterns with a closed circle of string around my hands.

With this configuration exact over the last week, I have felt myself strung out across its tight web, feeling demands from every quarter threatening me with overwhelm.  I have tried to ignore the impossibility of meeting the competing commitments before me. I stoically tackled whatever tasks were most urgent, losing myself in concentration, giving the best I could. I would feel satisfaction with my service but there is always a hole left in the middle of the patterns made in the woven Cradle. I offered up my work and it would fall into the greedy void and never seemed to be able to satisfy the hungry hordes around me. They too were feeling the push/pull of never having enough to handle the ‘too much’.

At the end of the day I would sit sullen and space deprived, glued to theories running around the internet explaining these tumultuous times. I needed space and succour but instead stayed paralysed in front of the Uranus/Pluto headlights, recognising this compulsive behaviour was grasping nurture in all the wrong places and would not satisfy my emotional longing.

The site I was mesmerised by was a huge eclectic collection of news items, channellings and outrageous theories of what is happening around us. A sort of X-files for this period of time. It was a blinding source of both light and dark. One woman was providing this Herculean service with many posts each day. I found I would check in often, hoping to find some relief or a breakthrough that would sweep away the problems in my reality. I knew my obsession was becoming unhealthy and I was wondering how I could coax myself away.

Cancer is our emotional home where we go for self-care. Here we can safely withdraw into our nest and have our needs met, like when we were a dependent baby. As adults we have been pushed out of the maternal nest and have taken on the responsibility to support new generations. This is our instinctive call to propagate the race. Even if we don’t have children, we are called to support those that need help so we can all survive. Somehow in this passing of the baton, we forget the essentials of how to look after ourselves.

I could hear that inner call. “You need to care for yourself. Let go of the needs of others. From a depleted vessel you can only give water poisoned by resentment.”

What do I need? How do I care for me?…blank…I had forgotten! At the last New Moon I knew I needed to withdraw from forays out into the world and concentrate on building stronger foundations. It seems I was already too over-extended. The home had become neglected, the body was tired.

The life I have been creating has been a joy for me. It had brought alive my inner child and my inner goddess. Now it has become a Sisyphean task. Sisyphus was condemned to carry a boulder up a mountain forever; it rolled down when he reached the top and he started his trial again. What was a fun expression of my Sun had now flipped into the daunting responsibility of Saturn.

It seems that with this cycle through Cancer I was experiencing the devouring mother, not the mother one longs for when we are sick; the mother who cares. This is to be expected with the first exact square between Pluto and Uranus. Pluto is after all travelling through my 4th house of home and hearth. I really need to find new ways to regenerate myself. Our mortal self is our container for life on Earth and it requires our love and care.We need to access the deep inner strength to claim this nourishment. Then we can fulfil our responsibilities supported by powerfully deep foundations.

The Sun in Cancer opposite Pluto triggered me to ask the question; ‘What do I need to look after myself?’ I didn’t have an answer in that moment. Fortunately, we are never abandoned and the messages are all around. The amazing Goddess Mother of the site I was addicted to provided the ultimate service. She closed down her site. She needed to nurse herself and that required time out. Many like myself were cut off from her generous source of information. The spell was broken. I could no longer spend what space I had obsessively trawling this site for news.

What do I need to care for myself? What do I require from a nurturing mother? … That’s right … I remember … I want to be loved! I want to feel love. To re-connect to the ultimate mother,  Gaia. I fill myself with love and once again, can see so much to love around me. Love pours out of my heart. Peace descends into my aching body. Everything around me is radiantly beautiful.

Serenity!

 

Image: The Torment of Saint Anthony by Michelangelo

Website: 2012: What is the ‘real’ truth?  Thank you for all your work, Jean. Get well soon.

13 responses

  1. Perianne, I followed your trail from Julie Boldoc to here and find this blog really speaks to my experiences of the last week. Nurturing Self! What a glorious idea! n the last two days I have served notice on visiting children that I can’t be “chief cook and bottle washer” and shut down my meditation and discussion group for two months. Maybe, just maybe, our lessons are not so much about letting go of old forms as they are about caring and nurturing self. Blessings, jo

    • Lovely to have you follow the trail here. From your comment on Julie’s blog you have done that literally as well by visiting Tasmania. I hope you had a wonderful time here.
      It is inspiring to see how you have made a stand for nurturing yourself. I wish you much playful pampering.

  2. That was me about a week or two ago.
    I finally had a couple of movie nights & good sleep and it helped… Hope things improve soon.
    These squares are bring the lessons big time !
    Recharge your batteries often – I am learning the same ~ patience, persistence with a bit of pampering. Cya

    • Good work, you got your Cancer nurturing act together at the New Moon.
      I will follow your example and add patience and persistence. I took a walk along the river after I posted yesterday and it helped me stay in touch with those love vibes.

  3. my compliments on a post. It’s interesting that you’ve captured the efforts of self-care, but in a different way than I usually hear people talk about it. Extra relavent since I just posted on the scientific evidence supporting self-care. Different perspective, really. Anyway, you are always invited to stop by and say Hi at my home base (www.mariewetmore.com).

  4. I so have been living the words of this post the last week… Having so much accomplished yet, sitting, expecting, transfixed by this feeling of expectation… To dance, play, move, feel the next step forward. No digging, just to play and be rewarded for it!
    Must read more of The Science of Getting Rich, I know that things always work out for me, I Can So Do This!
    “.”
    Cat

  5. Pluto in the fourth house would suggest that your home life is uprooting itself to begin elsewhere. A new place of home awaits in the near future. I’ve known several who have had this transit in the past 20 years. They simply left the past behind and relocated. Pluto in the fourth = death of the home. Opposing the tenth in Cancer would create a few days when you were unsure of your professional standing and your ambitions. Thank goodness that only lasted a few days. In a few months you will experience the Sun square Pluto.

    • Your comment caused me to check where Pluto was in relation to the 4th when we left our past behind to begin again in our current location. It was in my 3rd house, 10 degrees shy of the 4th house cusp. Interestingly it is now in my 4th, 10 degrees shy of my 5th. The most likely outcome of our current situation is to move on, destination unknown. I guess it is very Capricorn to be totally satisfied with the structure we have built here that leaving doesn’t seem logical.

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